Red Cliff II is a disaster movie. A cheap kungfu flick. John Woo made a great story into a dumb movie that rips of other movies. What the hell? They had a phalanx - turtle formation with big square shield to protect themselves from flames that could only be made from a napalm bomb dumped with a hundred truckload full of kerosene? That one scene alone killed half my brain capacity. John Woo, stop watching 300 too much. You’re so damn unoriginal. And then again, wouldn’t those guys inside that stupid turtle phalanx box be toasted to death? I mean, aren’t the shields good heat conductor? Wouldn’t that make nice roasted soldiers inside? And how about the hands that hold the shields? Wouldn’t they be burnt black? And the fuel for the kerosene-ignited-like fire? Fish oil? Give me a ****ing break.
Oh, this movie doesn’t deserve spoiler warning. I’m going to ruin it to save you with your money and 3 hours. Don’t even buy the 5,000 rupiah pirated copy some guy recorded from the cinema. I can think of thousands of better things to spend with that 5,000 rupiah. It could make you 5 instant coffee, or maybe a couple of instant noodles. You can even burn the 5,000 rupiah note and watch the fire. It’s much more entertaining.
There are approximately 12,882 things that went wrong with the movie. Like that complete rip-off from Saving Private Ryan. Huh? OK, ripping of 300 is one thing, but Saving Private Ryan??? They have this general making an amphibious assault. Well, still alright so far. But then there’s a soldier beyond the shield line that got an arrow stuck in his leg. So the general went to save him and pulled him to safety. But then there are three more arrows hitting him, killing him. But the general didn’t realize and still made the effort to save him. And then that Tom Hanks character looked back to realize that he’s only pulling half a body. Oh whoops. Wait a minute, where did I mix those two? Crap.
I know that John Woo “doesn’t want to take it all from the Romance of the Three Kingdom novel’ from Luo Guanzhong. That is fine. According to the interviews, he wants to base it loosely on the chronicles, i.e the recorded history. That’s fine. So I guess John Woo basically wants to remake the legend. In other words, John Woo wants to become another Luo Guanzhong. The problem is, John Woo doesn’t have one-tenth of the imaginative and brain capacity of Luo Guanzhong. And so the legend is laughably remade to accomodate a cheap kungfu flick.
How cheap is the kungfu flick? By the way, Guan Yu was running on top of the shields of the turtle-phalanx formation.
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OK now that I have cleaned my barf, let me tell you something very disastrous: in an effort to cast more women in the movie (admitedly, the story is very male-centric), John Woo decided that it would be great for Sun Quan’s little sister to run around Cao Cao’s camp spying and befriending a fat idiot - to create a human story of the destruction of war when the fat idiot is dead later with arrows, in a manner curiously very reminiscent to Empire of the Sun. OK, is there no other person in some million-odd people of the Wu country that couldn’t become a spy, so they had to send the king’s own sister to do it? What is the logic in that? She wasn’t sent to seduce, or give false information. She was sent to look around and draw map. Seriously, there’s noone else to send as a spy? I mean, sending a woman spy to an all male camp is itself a terrible idea. But on top of it, that woman is the sister of your king? So what would’ve happens if she get caught? She then becomes ransom? They put a sword on her neck to ask the heroes to kneel before the enemy? Who is stupid enough to think that it will work; that a bunch of generals and kings were willing to prostate themselves to save a general’s wife, or a king’s sister-in-law?
John Woo, is who.
Somehow, in this John Woo’s cheap kungfu flick, Zhou Yu’s wife Xiao Qiao departs to Cao Cao’s camp to EFFECTIVELY DESTROY HER HUSBAND’S MIND AND CONCENTRATION IN THE COMING WAR. Well, no. I couldn’t fathom an iota or good reason why she should leave. Is she sent there so there could be a stupid standoff with swords and someone taking hostage of her? Is she suffering from narcissitic disorder? She wants to be the center of attraction? Yeah, so she distracted Cao Cao with the minutiae of tea ceremony. But even if she wasn’t there, what does a few minutes do? I mean, do the ships travel in five minutes to the other side?
Judging to John Woo’s computer graphics, yes, the ships travel in five minutes. I laughed when I saw those fast speedboats ram Cao Cao’s fleets. Well, most of the ships ramming is realistic enough, but there’s one cut that is so jarring. I mean, if the wind is so strong that it drove those ships that fast, I expect some kind of wave or ripples on the water, and the boats that got rammed rock a little bit. I don’t know, you be the judge. What speed do you estimate the ramming boats to be? Oh sorry, don’t watch it.
Zhou Yu is just another stupid kungfu guy that kills a lot of people. I’m just glad that they didn’t make Zhuge Liang stoop that low. I was worried if Zhuge would suddenly jump and use his skills to make a fiery whip to beat down soldiers. Well, in fact, it was Zhao Yun who got that honor to use his sword and spear to manipulate fiery ropes into whips. Oh, and Zhao Yun is a champion pole-vaulter. And Cao Cao’s generals are all nameless, except Cai Mao and Zhang Yun. And they are ALL DEAD after the battle of Red Cliff. All of Cao Cao’s generals, dead, because Cao Cao doesn’t want to flee. Because Cao Cao wants to see them kneel, as Xiao Qiao is held hostage. You know who I think is smarter than Cao Cao? Mojo Jojo of Powerpuff girls.
Seriously, Mojo Jojo would win against John Woo’s Cao Cao.
But anyway, it’s interesting to see John Woo’s take on history. I mean, I myself would never imagine Zhou Yu to love Zhuge Liang so much and vice versa. I guess that’s what happens when John Woo watches Brokeback Mountain one time too many. Wow, that’s like, what, 10 cms distance between Zhou Yu and Zhuge Liang when they talk? I mean, come on, I don’t even talk with my wife that close, and I’m talking about the pre-marriage still-hot era of talking with my wife. And I doubt I would be talking 10 cms with her nose to nose even if I don’t have such a horrendous breath. Now I quote my wife who made a comment when she saw the scene: “is the camera not wide enough?”
What’s up with the meatball scene. What a waste. I could’ve spent those minutes playing one of those stupid Facebook games.
And now I would like to apologize for my post of Curse of the Golden Flower. My standard have been destroyed by John Woo that I now have to say that Curse of the Golden Flower is a good movie. That last scene is still jarringly weird, but at least the movie is quite smart. The intrigue is believable and convoluted enough to be interesting. Curse’s only sin is the computer graphics running amok. In Red Cliff, it’s the whole story and premise running amok.
John Woo is a hack.